Kerri, with a K

trying to be me

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30 Days of Truth Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For

It’s difficult to forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven, or perhaps thinks they have done nothing wrong, or doesn’t realize the extent of pain or hurt they have caused.  But how do you forgive someone that doesn’t ask for it, does not care, or simply isn’t here to accept forgiveness?

There is someone that I have to forgive…

This woman caused nothing but pain and was the source of constant stress in my life and the lives of those in my family.  For years, we weren’t good enough for her until she needed something.  She taught her children about pain and heartache and that selfishness was okay and that violence was the answer.

She made my father go to then ends of the earth for her without so much as a thank you, and still expected more.  It was like she walked on water and could do no wrong, all the while creating more drama.

It was because of her my parents fought during the early years.  It was because of her I didn’t feel like I had extended family, like we were excluded.  When we were included, we were still left out.  As a child of 10, I sat and watched every other child, every other relative, every cousin  get gifts at Christmas and on birthdays, and I never so much as got a card.  Because of her, we were the outcasts.  Because we wanted to be better than the drugs, the alcohol, the constant calls to the cops, we were the black sheep in her eyes.

Because of her someone died.  And because of her, someone isn’t getting the help they need.  And because of her, other families are left out because she had to have things her way.  It was her fault that there was dysfunction in the family.  And she would never admit to it.

In the end, she tried to become saintly, speaking about philosophy and religion like she had been talking about it forever.  In the end, we are not better off now than we were then.

I don’t know some of my relatives.  I have cousins who have gotten married and started families, and I will never be a part of that.  I have cousins that I just don’t know, and it pains me to say that I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I have aunts and uncles that I have no interest in getting to know because as a child, they cast me in a role I did not ask for: black sheep.  My children will never know that side of my family because this woman made her decisions.

This woman is no longer with us.  And I’m sure if you asked one of my cousins, aunts, uncles, or even my brother, they might have seen things differently.  They might have had a different experience with the same woman.  However, my experiences were painful.  I didn’t see how hurtful they were until I got older and finally understood all the things my mother once told me about each individual incident.

The memories I have… they didn’t hurt as much then because it was normal.  Christmas was normal.  Birthdays were normal.  My parents tried to make up for the fact that we had extended family that wanted nothing to do with us unless they needed something.  They overextended themselves at Christmas to make up for the fact that we had a grandmother who did not give us gifts when all the other grandchildren were receiving only the best and most expensive things.  They went out of their way to make sure that we didn’t miss anything by being left out.  They went out of their way to pretend this hurt did not exist so that we may have a chance at having normal lives.

There are tears in my eyes as I write this.  Not because it still hurts.  It does.  But because I didn’t realize how much it hurt then, even if I didn’t know it.  I am sad because I don’t know how to forgive her now.  I’m sad because I had to write this and accept everything my life is because of how things were.

However, now I understand life better.  I understand that people make decisions in life, and they have choices and sometimes the choices available are not idea.  I understand that maybe she wasn’t ready.  I understand that she did the best she could.  I understand that she may not have known how much hurt she caused.

I forgive her for her ignorance, but not for her actions.  I forgive her because it is the right thing to do and because it would mean something to my father to do so.  I forgive her because someone has to, and because maybe it has to be me.


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On the Hunt

I’ve been officially out of work for about a month, and it’s stressful.  I’m enjoying the time at home, although the mountain of laundry still doesn’t seem to be going anywhere, no matter how much I do.  But the job search is tedious and frustrating.

I am eligible for unemployment, and I’ve been doing everything I’m required to do as far as looking for work goes just so I can receive those benefits.  I even found myself a part time job that hasn’t started yet, but allegedly will soon.

The frustration comes from interviewing and being told that I’m overqualified, or I don’t meet their exact needs, or sometimes I don’t even get an response.  No constructive criticism, no ideas on how I can make my next interview better.

Most of the jobs I’ve been applying for have been in customer service and banking.  The most frequent response I’ve gotten in reply to those interviews have been “I’m sorry, but your credit does not meet our requirements.”

::I’m sorry if I’m working to get out of debt.  I’m sorry if my not-all-that-bad credit score makes me a bad person.  It also means that apparently I am more likely to steal than say a person who has a history with stealing which therefore does not qualify me for a job.  But I digress::

So now I’m looking into administration, receptionist, and assistant work.  We’ll see how it goes.

Oh, and not to mention I’ve been looking for more freelance writing work just as a little extra income.  And that hunt has also not been so easy.  I’ll get there.  It’ll take time, but I’ll get there.

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The Good, the Bad, and the Obnoxious

I mentioned in a previous post that Hubs and I were taking a workshop/class at our church on good financial practices.  It’s every Wednesday evening, and this week was pretty much a repeat of last week, just with a different lesson focus.

What I mean is that Dude was just as obnoxious as ever.  I’m sure we all have our theories about why he is so argumentative, although I’m not sure anyone cares to know what his real situation is.  He is THAT obnoxious and offensive.

He clearly hates women, OR thinks men who have to ask their wives if they can make a purchase are pansies and not real men.  Um, HELLO?  The class is mostly women with the exception of Hubs and Dude.

He hate Filipino women.  Aside from the fact that our instructor is from the Philippines, our parish has a large number of Philippine descendants.

“Women tend to only rule the home in black families.”  I paraphrased this one because I can’t remember the exact phrase, but the sentiment was the same.  As a woman who comes from a biracial home, I was truly offended.  And expressed and refuted everything that was wrong with his statement.  Just because I don’t look like I’m black because I’m really light skinned does not mean I do not have ties to that heritage.

And then he made some comment about “why do people think things happen for a a reason?  What about children that are born with deformities?  What was the reason for that?”

Hubs was all over that one with a verse from the Gospel of John, aside from refuting everything that was wrong with everything he said.

I don’t know what it is about some people, but I think this one just gets off and pissing people off.  And he insists that this workshop is only about married people with families, of which he has neither.  If you really looked at the materials, you would know that not every situation applies to every person anyway, but you should still be able to take something away from it.

Other than Dude, the class is great.  Hubs mentioned tonite that he was really glad we are taking it together.  It’s the type of thing that will help our relationship, but it’s not actual therapy.  So, bonus.

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30 Days of Truth Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I’ve done a lot in my lifetime.  I have plenty of experiences, both good and bad.  I’ve done things I am proud of and some that I am not.  But I try to live my life with no regrets.  Everything I’ve done, every action I’ve taken and every decision I’ve made has helped mold me into the person I am today.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

With that said, for everything I’ve done that I was not proud of, I have forgiven myself for.  I’ve made mistakes, I have accepted them and I have learned from them.

I don’t think there is anything I have to forgive myself for.  Aside from the mindless hours spent watching crappy reality television and Lifetime movies.  I do, however, think that I need to cut myself some slack and ease up on myself.  I’m way too hard on myself.  I expect a lot from myself and from others.  Sometimes too much.  And I need to back off.

It is okay to have high expectations.  But it is also okay to not be able to live up to them.  We are only human.  We cannot do everything.  No one can.  We try.  I try.  To cook.  To clean.  To be the perfect wife.  To be the perfect daughter.  And I often expect the same in return.  But I have to let that go.

So, if we’re going to get technical…

I forgive myself for having expectations that are too high.  And I  want to give myself permission to relax and lay off a little.

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30 Days of Truth Day 2: Something You Love About Yourself

As difficult as it was to narrow down the things I hate about myself, I find it equally difficult to say exactly what it is I love about myself.  It’s a real struggle to not criticize and get nit-picky with myself and point out all my flaws, but in the end, I’ll be a better person for having done so.

I don’t know that I can be superficial when it comes to things I love about myself.  I have pretty eyes, a pretty smile, a great rack.  But are those really things to love?  Absolutely.  But I think there’s so much more to me than a great rack.

Aside from being a strong person, a survivor and the do-anything-for-anyone type, I absolutely love that I am at home in a bookstore.  I love that I have a place to go where I can find comfort.  I love that I don’t have to buy anything and that I can walk around and look or sit and read and feel completely at home.

Now that I don’t live at home, and I’m states away, it’s nice to have a bookstore that I can go to and still feel at home.

I’m not sure exactly what it is… if it’s the smell of the books, the layout of the store, the content… but I find solace in spending hours in a bookstore.  I daresay it’s calming.  It might seem like a simple thing, but sometimes it’s those simple things that really make the difference.

Also, as a minor thing that I love about myself, additionally, I love that I have a wealth of useless knowledge.  You never know when you’re going to need to know something about the queens of the 13th and 14th or what happened in a particular television show.

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30 Days of Truth Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

I hate that I have so many emotions I cannot control.  I hate that cannot express them in the way I think I should.  I hate that I get so upset over things I cannot control.  I hate that I want to throw things and break things and hit things because I’m angry.  I hate that I feel I have nowhere to vent these things.

I hate that I have such low self esteem and that it ties into my extreme emotions.  I hate that I want to be the only one and never feel it.  I hate that it is my issue alone to deal with.  I hate that I feel helpless when faced with my emotions, and I hate that I just don’t know how to express them.

I hate that I get so frustrated and I don’t know how to deal with my frustration without tears or screaming and yelling.

I’ve rewritten this post a few times.  It’s really difficult thinking about the things you really hate about yourself.  It’s even more difficult facing those things and trying to move past them.  It’s difficult coming to terms with things you dislike about yourself. And what I find to be even more difficult is getting to the root of those issues and dealing with that so that other issues may be dealt with.

I’m in a constant state of anxiety because of the things I hate about myself.  However, I find that really getting to the root of my issues with my emotions doesn’t happen, and I don’t see how angry or upset I really am until something happens, no matter what magnitude.

I hate going to the beach in the summer.  I hate going on the weekends when it’s nice out.  I’m not a skinny chick by any  means.  I’m not insanely overweight, but there are certainly areas of my body that I find constant dissatisfaction with, and for the most part, I am comfortable with myself and those body parts.  However, my insecurities and my intense emotions peek out when insensitivity is present.  I try to be sensitive to other people and their feelings and opinions, so it does bother me when others do not afford me the same respect.  I do appreciate it in the sense that it forces me to deal with what is actually going on inside of myself rather than placing blame on outside influences.

I don’t know if I’ll ever change.  Change is difficult and it does not happen overnight.  But I do think that being aware is a step in the right direction.  I think the more I can recognize the better chance I’ll have at fixing the things I think need to be fixed.

And also, I watched the Jersey Shore.  Willingly.  And didn’t turn it off.  For four episodes.  For that, I am ashamed.

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Just a Girl

There’s a song that appears in a particular scene of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, I believe in the first season, probably in the first episodes.  I remember the song so clearly and I can almost picture what is happening in the scene as the song plays.  But not exactly.  Not quite.

The reason my mind is now plagued with this song is that I was browsing around on OKCupid, a dating site that is mildly amusing but as a whole just annoys me.  I created a new profile, picked a new username, uploaded a photo and started browsing.  Window shopping, if you will, for a girl for fantasy.  Perhaps more, but right now, just for fantasy.  One in particular had the username that spelled out Just a Girl by changing and omitting letters to make it look clever.

Mid-shag, with hubs pounding away behind me, this song just popped into my head.  And it’s funny how just a word can create such a memory.  But it got me thinking.  I’m just a girl.  I can’t control everything or everyone.  I want the things I want and nothing more.  I do for others to a fault.  I want to please my husband even though I have little or no interest in being with another woman.  I’m smart, and creative, caring and kind.  But in the end, I’m just a girl.

What songs pop into your head at the most random times?