I hate that I have so many emotions I cannot control. I hate that cannot express them in the way I think I should. I hate that I get so upset over things I cannot control. I hate that I want to throw things and break things and hit things because I’m angry. I hate that I feel I have nowhere to vent these things.
I hate that I have such low self esteem and that it ties into my extreme emotions. I hate that I want to be the only one and never feel it. I hate that it is my issue alone to deal with. I hate that I feel helpless when faced with my emotions, and I hate that I just don’t know how to express them.
I hate that I get so frustrated and I don’t know how to deal with my frustration without tears or screaming and yelling.
I’ve rewritten this post a few times. It’s really difficult thinking about the things you really hate about yourself. It’s even more difficult facing those things and trying to move past them. It’s difficult coming to terms with things you dislike about yourself. And what I find to be even more difficult is getting to the root of those issues and dealing with that so that other issues may be dealt with.
I’m in a constant state of anxiety because of the things I hate about myself. However, I find that really getting to the root of my issues with my emotions doesn’t happen, and I don’t see how angry or upset I really am until something happens, no matter what magnitude.
I hate going to the beach in the summer. I hate going on the weekends when it’s nice out. I’m not a skinny chick by any means. I’m not insanely overweight, but there are certainly areas of my body that I find constant dissatisfaction with, and for the most part, I am comfortable with myself and those body parts. However, my insecurities and my intense emotions peek out when insensitivity is present. I try to be sensitive to other people and their feelings and opinions, so it does bother me when others do not afford me the same respect. I do appreciate it in the sense that it forces me to deal with what is actually going on inside of myself rather than placing blame on outside influences.
I don’t know if I’ll ever change. Change is difficult and it does not happen overnight. But I do think that being aware is a step in the right direction. I think the more I can recognize the better chance I’ll have at fixing the things I think need to be fixed.
And also, I watched the Jersey Shore. Willingly. And didn’t turn it off. For four episodes. For that, I am ashamed.