Kerri, with a K

trying to be me

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G is for… Green

Going “green.”

Hubs and I went to a real estate seminar this week.  We talked a lot about various dos and don’ts of buying and selling real estate, and what types of things add value to homes when buying or selling.  And I plan to dedicate more of a post to this later on.

But we eventually got into talking about added value things that come from creating a “green” property.  Things like toilets that use less water when the flush to using carpets that are made from recycled materials, or even using bamboo instead of local trees for hardwood flooring.

Although, thinking about it now I’m not surprised, but it was amazing to think of all the things people look for in homes, and that being green is important to a lot of people.

And although we just moved in, and are still trying to do the decorating and all the things that make our house OUR hose, I want to start thinking about things that we can do to make our home more green, and then eventually do them.


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30 Days of Truth Day 4: Something You Have to Forgive Someone Else For

It’s difficult to forgive someone who does not want to be forgiven, or perhaps thinks they have done nothing wrong, or doesn’t realize the extent of pain or hurt they have caused.  But how do you forgive someone that doesn’t ask for it, does not care, or simply isn’t here to accept forgiveness?

There is someone that I have to forgive…

This woman caused nothing but pain and was the source of constant stress in my life and the lives of those in my family.  For years, we weren’t good enough for her until she needed something.  She taught her children about pain and heartache and that selfishness was okay and that violence was the answer.

She made my father go to then ends of the earth for her without so much as a thank you, and still expected more.  It was like she walked on water and could do no wrong, all the while creating more drama.

It was because of her my parents fought during the early years.  It was because of her I didn’t feel like I had extended family, like we were excluded.  When we were included, we were still left out.  As a child of 10, I sat and watched every other child, every other relative, every cousin  get gifts at Christmas and on birthdays, and I never so much as got a card.  Because of her, we were the outcasts.  Because we wanted to be better than the drugs, the alcohol, the constant calls to the cops, we were the black sheep in her eyes.

Because of her someone died.  And because of her, someone isn’t getting the help they need.  And because of her, other families are left out because she had to have things her way.  It was her fault that there was dysfunction in the family.  And she would never admit to it.

In the end, she tried to become saintly, speaking about philosophy and religion like she had been talking about it forever.  In the end, we are not better off now than we were then.

I don’t know some of my relatives.  I have cousins who have gotten married and started families, and I will never be a part of that.  I have cousins that I just don’t know, and it pains me to say that I’m not sure how I feel about that.  I have aunts and uncles that I have no interest in getting to know because as a child, they cast me in a role I did not ask for: black sheep.  My children will never know that side of my family because this woman made her decisions.

This woman is no longer with us.  And I’m sure if you asked one of my cousins, aunts, uncles, or even my brother, they might have seen things differently.  They might have had a different experience with the same woman.  However, my experiences were painful.  I didn’t see how hurtful they were until I got older and finally understood all the things my mother once told me about each individual incident.

The memories I have… they didn’t hurt as much then because it was normal.  Christmas was normal.  Birthdays were normal.  My parents tried to make up for the fact that we had extended family that wanted nothing to do with us unless they needed something.  They overextended themselves at Christmas to make up for the fact that we had a grandmother who did not give us gifts when all the other grandchildren were receiving only the best and most expensive things.  They went out of their way to make sure that we didn’t miss anything by being left out.  They went out of their way to pretend this hurt did not exist so that we may have a chance at having normal lives.

There are tears in my eyes as I write this.  Not because it still hurts.  It does.  But because I didn’t realize how much it hurt then, even if I didn’t know it.  I am sad because I don’t know how to forgive her now.  I’m sad because I had to write this and accept everything my life is because of how things were.

However, now I understand life better.  I understand that people make decisions in life, and they have choices and sometimes the choices available are not idea.  I understand that maybe she wasn’t ready.  I understand that she did the best she could.  I understand that she may not have known how much hurt she caused.

I forgive her for her ignorance, but not for her actions.  I forgive her because it is the right thing to do and because it would mean something to my father to do so.  I forgive her because someone has to, and because maybe it has to be me.

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30 Days of Truth Day 3: Something You Have to Forgive Yourself For

I’ve done a lot in my lifetime.  I have plenty of experiences, both good and bad.  I’ve done things I am proud of and some that I am not.  But I try to live my life with no regrets.  Everything I’ve done, every action I’ve taken and every decision I’ve made has helped mold me into the person I am today.  And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

With that said, for everything I’ve done that I was not proud of, I have forgiven myself for.  I’ve made mistakes, I have accepted them and I have learned from them.

I don’t think there is anything I have to forgive myself for.  Aside from the mindless hours spent watching crappy reality television and Lifetime movies.  I do, however, think that I need to cut myself some slack and ease up on myself.  I’m way too hard on myself.  I expect a lot from myself and from others.  Sometimes too much.  And I need to back off.

It is okay to have high expectations.  But it is also okay to not be able to live up to them.  We are only human.  We cannot do everything.  No one can.  We try.  I try.  To cook.  To clean.  To be the perfect wife.  To be the perfect daughter.  And I often expect the same in return.  But I have to let that go.

So, if we’re going to get technical…

I forgive myself for having expectations that are too high.  And I  want to give myself permission to relax and lay off a little.

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30 Days of Truth Day 2: Something You Love About Yourself

As difficult as it was to narrow down the things I hate about myself, I find it equally difficult to say exactly what it is I love about myself.  It’s a real struggle to not criticize and get nit-picky with myself and point out all my flaws, but in the end, I’ll be a better person for having done so.

I don’t know that I can be superficial when it comes to things I love about myself.  I have pretty eyes, a pretty smile, a great rack.  But are those really things to love?  Absolutely.  But I think there’s so much more to me than a great rack.

Aside from being a strong person, a survivor and the do-anything-for-anyone type, I absolutely love that I am at home in a bookstore.  I love that I have a place to go where I can find comfort.  I love that I don’t have to buy anything and that I can walk around and look or sit and read and feel completely at home.

Now that I don’t live at home, and I’m states away, it’s nice to have a bookstore that I can go to and still feel at home.

I’m not sure exactly what it is… if it’s the smell of the books, the layout of the store, the content… but I find solace in spending hours in a bookstore.  I daresay it’s calming.  It might seem like a simple thing, but sometimes it’s those simple things that really make the difference.

Also, as a minor thing that I love about myself, additionally, I love that I have a wealth of useless knowledge.  You never know when you’re going to need to know something about the queens of the 13th and 14th or what happened in a particular television show.

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30 Days of Truth Day 1: Something You Hate About Yourself

I hate that I have so many emotions I cannot control.  I hate that cannot express them in the way I think I should.  I hate that I get so upset over things I cannot control.  I hate that I want to throw things and break things and hit things because I’m angry.  I hate that I feel I have nowhere to vent these things.

I hate that I have such low self esteem and that it ties into my extreme emotions.  I hate that I want to be the only one and never feel it.  I hate that it is my issue alone to deal with.  I hate that I feel helpless when faced with my emotions, and I hate that I just don’t know how to express them.

I hate that I get so frustrated and I don’t know how to deal with my frustration without tears or screaming and yelling.

I’ve rewritten this post a few times.  It’s really difficult thinking about the things you really hate about yourself.  It’s even more difficult facing those things and trying to move past them.  It’s difficult coming to terms with things you dislike about yourself. And what I find to be even more difficult is getting to the root of those issues and dealing with that so that other issues may be dealt with.

I’m in a constant state of anxiety because of the things I hate about myself.  However, I find that really getting to the root of my issues with my emotions doesn’t happen, and I don’t see how angry or upset I really am until something happens, no matter what magnitude.

I hate going to the beach in the summer.  I hate going on the weekends when it’s nice out.  I’m not a skinny chick by any  means.  I’m not insanely overweight, but there are certainly areas of my body that I find constant dissatisfaction with, and for the most part, I am comfortable with myself and those body parts.  However, my insecurities and my intense emotions peek out when insensitivity is present.  I try to be sensitive to other people and their feelings and opinions, so it does bother me when others do not afford me the same respect.  I do appreciate it in the sense that it forces me to deal with what is actually going on inside of myself rather than placing blame on outside influences.

I don’t know if I’ll ever change.  Change is difficult and it does not happen overnight.  But I do think that being aware is a step in the right direction.  I think the more I can recognize the better chance I’ll have at fixing the things I think need to be fixed.

And also, I watched the Jersey Shore.  Willingly.  And didn’t turn it off.  For four episodes.  For that, I am ashamed.