Kerri, with a K

trying to be me

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On Pregnancy and Sacrifices

It’s hard being pregnant.  It’s not just having an alien that’s taking over my body and attacking me from the inside.  Because that’s a whole other boat of fun to be had.  I can’t do the things I used to do.  And maybe it’s because I’m having an emotional day.  But maybe it’s because I feel left out.  And that’s hard for me.

Our church is putting on Annie.  Hubs knew about it months ago and had always planned to be involved.  But in all the planning he’s been doing and all the ideas for auditions and work schedules he’s had, he has never really thought about whether or not I wanted to be involved in this production.  And of course I wanted to be involved.  I love being onstage and acting and singing and being a part of that process.

And now that I’m pregnant…?  Well, the fact that I’m pregnant doesn’t necessarily rule out my being involved in the production.  The fact that the show date is scheduled for the weekend after the birth of my little alien.  Which means that I really won’t be able to participate, as I will probably be far too pregnant to dance around or move things, let alone perform after the alien arrives.  And that is difficult for me.

And it’s not that I can’t be involved.  Totally.  It’s that Hubs never thought about it.  Never thought that I might actually want to do it.  Never thought that his participation would make me painfully jealous and sad because there is nothing stopping him.

What’s more is that he’s picked a duet for an audition song.  It’s a great song and a lot of fun to sing/perform.  And he signed me up to sing it with him.  He also let the PTB know that I would not be officially auditioning for a part, but just to accompany him.  No, I probably can’t participate due to all of the reasons name above, but it’s not his responsibility to tell them that.  What if I wanted to try?  What if I wanted to audition for a part and see what happened?  I’m not even given that opportunity, because someone else has made that decision for me, not thinking about what I actually want to do.

Many moons ago, before we really tried getting pregnant, we had an interesting conversation in which Hubs mentioned that he would not change just Bbecause he had a kid.  If he wanted to go out, he would and a child would not change his current social haBbits.  I find that terriBbly frustrating, and whether or not that’s true now I still find myself painfully frustrated.  If my life has to change drastically, why doesn’t someone else’s?

I’m not complaining.  I prayed every day for the alien miracle, and my prayer was answered.  I can’t wait to meet him and spend my time with him and watch him grow up.  I’m just saying it would be nice if someone would understand the sacrifices I’m making and maybe show a little compassion and sensitivity, because I am clearly having a difficult time being left out.


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Can’t Hide It Anymore

I’m finding that there are so many funny things about being pregnant, from the vivid dreams to the random onslaught of debilitating hunger the cleverly disguises itself as nausea.  But what baffles me more than anything is the clothes, and how they fit.

I’ve been wearing my regular clothes all along, not at all thinking that I needed to change up my wardrobe just a little.  Although certain pants were starting to get uncomfortable, and most of my tops just seemed big enough to make my “baby bump” not all that noticeable.

On a random whim while working looking around the store, I found a few tops and dresses that were terribly cute and not at all considered maternity. And of course I tried them on.  And they looked fabulous.


Now you can tell I’m pregnant.  Or perhaps really fat.  But my first guess would be pregnant.

And it’s cute.

Now that we’ve heard a heartbeat, and seen his little body and have a due date, I think it’s much more fun to show it off a little and tell people.  Lord knows Hubs has told nearly everyone he sees, including total strangers.

So, here I am at 18 weeks.  More excited than I was last week because I have a whole ton of new information about the little nugget inside me and a wardrobe to match.

Gotta love the pregnant life.

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I just spent hours on the phone with the car insurance company and the cable company.  I don’t think I want to be on the phone anymore today.  I don’t understand why people don’t get the concept of good customer service, or customer service at all.  Like I NEED to be stressed out and frustrated.

To calm those nerves I spent less than an hour at the bookstore looking for a book I heard about on TV yesterday.  Exploiting My Baby, by Teresa Strasser.  There are so many clinical books out there that explain the what and the wherefore, but this seems to be a more down-to-earth look at the reality of pregnancy.  Once I let the bookstore take over, and let myself breathe for a moment, I found another book that seems equally amusing and not all that neurotic: The Girlfriends’ Guide to Pregnancy, by Vicki Iovine.

Having just found out we’re having a boy, feeling his heartbeat and seeing his little body inside me, things seem more real now.  Not that they weren’t before.  It’s just the idea that there is a little nugget inside me, spending my days and nights with me, 24/7… bonding with me, just hanging out.  It’s incredible. And no, I don’t want to be one of those women who’s all, Check out my baby, he’s better than you’re baby… I’m just amazed at how connected I feel.  Yes.  I’m that sappy.

And the beautiful thing?  I was so incredibly stressed dealing with people on the phone all morning that I never want to be on the phone again, and the calming effect of the bookstore and getting books that will tell me what’s going on with the little nugget is pretty darn cool.

And the animals are actually calm.  I wonder if they can sense anything?

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Oh, the Dreams

Everything I’ve read about pregnancy has told me that vivid dreams come with the territory.  And all that information could not have been more accurate.

It’s not the random appearances by Christian Kane and Eliza Dushku up for a little naughty play that make me think a little bit harder.  It’s the reappearance of those dreams where I’m being chased and eventually find my way out before waking up.

The most recent of these anxiety dreams involves me just having purchased a new car, and subsequently drowning said car by trying to back into a parking spot but going just a little too far and ending up in a lake.  The second part of this dream involves the running.  I’m running, trying to escape an unknown man and somehow I end up trying to hide in my parents house on their third floor.  The man finds me just before I wake up, but I manage to get away.

The most amazing part about these vivid dreams is how totally different they are from each other.  From the classic anxiety dreams to dreams about the new baby, they couldn’t be more different.  I’ve even been having dreams about the animals.  Go figure.

What kinds of weird dreams did you have during pregnancy?

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Home for the Holidays

This year, for Christmas, Hubs and I went home to Massachusetts.  We live in Virginia now, and consider it to be home, but we’re both from the good ol’ state of Mass and when you talk about going home it’s often about where you came from… I digress.

We started making the plan to go home around Thanksgiving, and didn’t tell anyone but my mom.  I wanted it to be a surprise for my dad and everyone else.  Although, we ended up telling my brother and Hubs’ family so we could make plans on where to be on what days.  With other relatives coming from out of town, we wanted to see everyone… including the new baby, Leona.

Aside from nearly being stranded in what my mother calls “nothing snow” which just so happened to be an actual BLIZZARD in Boston, we got to spend time with just about everyone, which was great.  We exchanged gifts, went to breakfast and really spent some nice quality time.  We didn’t get to see everyone, which would have been nice, but overall I think we did well.

So, the whole trip was supposed to be a surprise for my dad, with a ton of extras thrown in.  I even went so far as to call my dad that morning to tell him we were off to the beach with the dog, going to church, etc, to throw him off the scent.  Yup, he was thrown. 

Dad’s response?  “You jerk!” which was possibly directed at my brother who had insisted he come downstairs to answer the phone.  Maybe it was at me for tricking him.  But he was pleased we were there.

It was nice to be home.  I know it won’t always happen that way, but it was good this time.

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New Year’s Resolutions

2010 is gone.  It had enough of being a year, and it just left.  It left behind a whole new year, 2011, in its place.  New year, new rules.  Things can change if want them to, if you make the effort.  And I want to make the effort this year.  I need to make the effort.  I’m not sure if I’ll survive otherwise.  Or maybe I’m being a little pessimistic.

Anyway, on the short list of resolutions I’d like to make this year (and in no particular order):

  1. Get my act together.  Get organized and stay that way.  And also stop forgetting things.
  2. Clean.  Clean.  Clean.  Get rid of all the clutter.  Make the animals pick up after themselves, etc.
  3. Prepare for baby.
  4. blog on the regular.

One of the big things that Hubs and I want need to do before baby is to get a house.  The apartment we are living in is too small for us and the animals, nevermind a new addition.  We have some places in mind, we just need to get our ducks in a row and start getting things done.  Six months is going to be a lot shorter than it sounds.

ANYway.  Happy New Year to all.  Enjoy 2011.  Make this year a good one.